When Science Isn’t Enough

From the March 31, 2023 issue of the Transformational Times - Women's History Month

When Science Isn’t Enough 

 

Stephanie Kellogg, PhD 

 

What do you do when your spark for a passion fades? Are you sure you fully understand your passion? My journey in biomedical research taught me to be mindful of my authentic self and to meet needs that are important for how I am wired... 

 

There was a time in my life when I would excitedly get out of bed, get to the lab before daybreak, and stay past dinner time. No one told me that was the expected schedule. There was no unseen or unspoken pressure to do that. I just did it, and I was happy doing it. 

But over time, the spark faded. It did not happen overnight. And looking back, it happened before I even noticed it. My unhindered steps to the lab turned into heavy, sticky steps that I had to force. Things were not as fun as they used to be. I still enjoyed my research projects and going to seminars and conferences, but something was missing. After much time and frustration wondering why “the science” was not enough for me anymore, I finally figured it out. For me, “the science” on its own was not enough.  I needed a social structure around science to fuel the spark. 

Of course, the pandemic has made this crystal clear. But to be honest, I was wrestling with these thoughts and feelings years before the pandemic. The experiences of funding droughts, moves, leadership changes, and poor work-life balance wore down my professional and personal social structures.

At the time, I didn’t have the maturity to recognize the importance of relationships while I had them. But they drove my training; they accepted my curiosity and enhanced my relationship with science. Without them, my passion for science would never burn as bright.  

When I first realized this, I felt a bit of shame. Why do I need others to help feed my passion? Maybe science is not my passion if I need others to help keep the flame going. Am I in the wrong field?

But then, the pandemic made us confront our realities, and I was able to find peace with these thoughts. It started with me accepting that I am a human being and part of the species Homo sapiens. Humans are wired to be social and are more successful with relationships and cooperativity. So, it made sense at a primitive level when my social structures wore down or disappeared, my flame went down, too. But why did it seem to affect me more than others? Pandemic aside, the examples I listed above are “normal” in research, so why did my fuel tank feel so empty? Is there still something wrong with me and my choice to be in science?  

After exploring my relationship to Homo sapiens, I took time to understand myself as a human being. My most insightful work has been with a strengths-based coach who helped me realize that I am highly attuned to the social and emotional needs of myself and others. This is how I am wired, and I should feel no shame in that. Meeting my relational needs opens the door for higher fulfillment, joy, and productivity. 

Not filling these needs impedes progress and fulfillment. My highs and lows in science and research finally made more sense. I now keep a stable social structure inside and outside of my profession and use my natural strengths to help develop resiliency in others who work in STEM and medicine. Although it looks and feels different than before, I feel like I have my spark back.  

How about you? Are you at a high or low point of your journey? Every twist and turn will help you grow into your authentic self. Listen to these whispers, be brave along the path, and stay connected with others. 

 

Stephanie Kellogg, PhD, is a Research Scientist in the Department of Microbiology & Immunology. She supports research and administrative programs of the department with her scientific training and relational strengths. She enjoys connecting with others along their self-discovery journey and being a coach in our academic setting.