Gratitude: A Practical Application

 From the November 18, 2022 issue of the Transformational Times (Gratitude)

Gratitude: A Practical Application

Kathlyn E. Fletcher, MD, MA

Dr. Fletcher and Luke make a discovery together.

Me: “What are you grateful for today?”

My 12-year-old son, Luke: “That everyone was here today. My basketball games. And making tortillas with you.”

This is the nightly ritual that we have observed almost without fail since mid-winter 2021. I think it turned his life around; but let me take you back to the preceding months and you can judge for yourself.

We had endured most of the first year of COVID, like everyone else in the world. There was talk in the media of how the pandemic was impacting children, making them more anxious and worsening behavior. Maybe that was the explanation, but honestly, this storm had been brewing before COVID: My beautiful 10-year-old boy had become completely negative. He was certain that every activity on the horizon would be terrible, even the ones that he always objectively enjoyed (e.g., baseball practice). Every conversation we had was about his discontent. Nothing would placate him. Nothing brought him happiness. School was terrible. He didn’t like his teacher. His friends were never available. The list was endless and bleak.

On February 2, 2021, I took the day off to visit my sister in Lake Forest, IL. We had a lovely day. She made me a beautiful and delicious lunch, and we went shopping. 

As I drove home in the dark, it was freezing outside. Tiny snow flurries dusted the windshield on the lonely stretch of the interstate between the Wisconsin-Illinois border and the south Milwaukee suburbs. I turned on a podcast to pass the time. I don’t listen to a lot of podcasts, and I had never listened to Oprah’s before. I don’t know why I chose to listen to Oprah’s Super Soul episode called Grace and Gratitude, but something drew me to it that night.

At some point in the podcast, they discussed the study that showed that by writing down what you are grateful for every night, one can move from being pessimistic to mildly optimistic in three weeks. Right then and there, I made a Groundhog’s Day resolution: Luke and I were going to each say three things that we were grateful for every night for three weeks and then I would re-evaluate. 

It was a little rough at first. 

Luke: “Can’t you just tell me what to say?”

Me: “No.”

Some nights, the only things he was grateful for were breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But at least he was saying something. After a week or so, he asked me if I wanted to say a prayer after our gratitudes. Hmmm. That seemed promising. We persevered through three weeks, and then it was a habit.

I am not sure exactly when things changed, but after a month or so, he wasn’t actively resisting all new activities. A few weeks later, he would remind me if we hadn’t said our gratitudes before we started to read a new chapter in the Chip Hilton book we were sharing. Now, he still doesn’t like school, but we don’t discuss it every day. He walks into new situations with (mild) optimism. He has found a way to be comfortable in his skin and happy in his life.

A lot of other things have gotten easier as the early COVID restrictions have lifted but, again, this change in his outlook predated that one. It’s not scientific, but life is better, and gratitude was the major change. While I was open to the idea before, I am now a complete believer. 

In May 2022, a year and a half into the experiment, Luke got COVID. Isolated in his room, we couldn’t do our usual ritual, so he FaceTimed me at bedtime. “Can we do our gratitudes, Mom?” 

#winningthegame

Kathlyn Fletcher, MD, MA, is a Professor in the Department of Medicine at MCW. She is the program director for the Internal Medicine residency program and the co-director of the GME pillar of the Robert D. and Patricia E. Kern Institute for the Transformation of Medical Education. She is an editor of the Kern Transformational Times.