A Message from the One Who Stays Home while the Resident is Working

 From the December 24, 2021 issue of the Transformational Times

A Message from the One Who Stays Home while the Resident is Working

Clare Xu

Hospitals don't slow down just because the calendar says it is time for a holiday. This essay, originally published in December 2021, shares how the spouse of an internal medicine resident altered her family Christmas plans so that her resident-spouse would also have a special celebration. Remember, this was when COVID-19. vaccines were just becoming available ...

When my husband and I got married in November 2021, our officiant had us make a list of the five things that we love most about the other person. My husband shared that I “live in the moment and celebrate the small things.” Fair enough, though he didn’t mention that I also love to celebrate the big things. By that I mean all the festive holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Halloween (plus a few more!).

Christmas is probably my favorite “big thing” to celebrate. Unlike me, my husband didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas. When we got together, he went from living without a single Christmas decoration adorning his dwelling to a home popping with red, green, gold, and silver. He now enjoys our felt garlands hung across the mantle, snowmen, reindeer, and whatever else I bring home. I introduced him to many other Christmas traditions enjoyed by my family, including Christmas crackers, blintzes, and The Muppets Christmas Carol. It brought me joy to share my family Christmas traditions with my husband.

Last Christmas, Zhu was scheduled to work on Christmas Day. I started planning early, considering ways that I could include him in the festivities. My goal was to maximize my participation in my family Christmas celebration while still preserving a special bit of the Christmas magic for Zhu. After conferring with my family on the matter, we opted to have two Christmas celebrations: one on Christmas Day with everyone except Zhu, and one in early January with Zhu as the guest of honor.

On Christmas Day, after celebrating with my family, I dashed back home, through the snow with our two dogs sitting in the back of the car, determined to be there to greet Zhu when got home. My husband never wants anyone to make a fuss over him. He said that he wouldn’t have been bothered if I had chosen to stay on at my parents’ house for Christmas dinner, and I am sure that he was sincere. I explained to him that above all, Christmas is about giving; not just presents and food and all of the other trappings, but of ourselves. He’d spent his Christmas giving to his patients who, on this special day, deserved the utmost care and compassion. By being there for him, at home, on Christmas Day, I was able to show him how much I love and value him.

For our January-Christmas, I arranged with my parents to leave all of the gifts for and from Zhu unopened, and the holiday decorations up exactly as they were on Christmas Day. This day was for Zhu. Of course, the attention made him feel a little shy, but we all knew how much he appreciated the gesture and the opportunity of joining in the festivities.

I believe that preserving celebrations and tailoring them to Zhu’s work schedule helps him to focus on his patients. He doesn’t have to feel that he is missing out and give into feelings of loneliness. He might not be able to celebrate with his loved ones on Christmas Day, but he is helping people who are struggling on Christmas Day. This might be the worst day of their lives and their families. They’re scared and maybe in pain. I like to think that the staff who are taking care of the patients will be able to bring joy and healing, even on holidays.

This essay was written while Zhuchen Xu, MD was completing his internal medicine residency. Dr. Xu is now on the MCW faculty.