Stigma and Vulnerability: Our Experiences with Struggling in Silence

 From the 5/14/2021 newsletter

Perspective/Opinion

 

Stigma and Vulnerability: Our Experiences with Struggling in Silence

 

Sofie Kjellesvig and Sadie Jackson - MCW-Central Wisconsin medical students

Medical students are high achievers who are often adept at hiding their shortcomings and moments of vulnerability.  We, the authors, hear our peers admitting to some of their struggles: being behind on lectures or not feeling ready for an exam, for example, but these statements are almost always qualified by, “but it’s fine, I’ll be okay,” or something similarly diminishing.  In fact, there are times when we have felt unsure about whether things will truly be okay. We do not openly share these feelings, no matter how many times we’ve considered doing so.  Perhaps this is out of fear of what others may think, a belief that we are suffering alone, and the stigma that surrounds academic performance and mental health. 

We’d like to break the silence by illustrating some of the ways each of us struggled during our first year of medical school:

 

Academic challenges can break down students’ confidence and isolate them as soon as classes start. For anyone who hasn’t had a cadaver lab before, anatomy in medical school can be a rude awakening. Among the class there are seasoned veterans with extensive dissection experience, some students who have taken anatomy and held a scalpel a few times, and then students like me who had never heard of the pisiform bone, let alone picked up a probe. Anatomy scared me and I didn’t feel like I belonged in lab. With time and practice I improved, but I still found it very difficult. No matter how far I progressed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was not good enough and was falling behind my peers. Ultimately, I found myself asking if I was cut out to be a doctor and struggled with worsening anxiety about this. I was uncomfortable admitting how much those feelings pained me to classmates who appeared to breeze through the course.

 

Why is this so challenging? Our grading for these courses is pass/fail, so why do we compare ourselves to peers and consider ourselves a failure if we don’t measure up? What I found out when I did make myself a little vulnerable was that friends who were excellent anatomists still had their own issues at times: they had these feelings about a different course, or they were having trouble with school/life balance, or they were just finding life in general to be a lot harder during pandemic times.

 

Other challenges, especially those related to mental illness, are rarely shared by classmates. This is not because medical students suffer from mental illness less than other groups.  Mental health and suicidal ideation, understandably, are heavy topics for most people.  Even though some of us may feel comfortable sharing our experiences with those who ask, we encounter barriers that prevent us from reaching out on our own accord.  I find myself asking: when it is a good time to bring up such a topic? Is it fair to place such a burden on others who did not ask for it? Will they view me differently if I share my insecurities?  My anxiety convinces me that sharing will make others uncomfortable, beginning the vicious cycle of negative self-talk that I try so hard to avoid.  I then feel that it will be easier for all if I deal with my doubts alone.  This option becomes more appealing to me to protect myself from the guilt, discomfort, or judgment I fear may come with allowing myself to be vulnerable. When I have been brave and shared, however, I’ve found that I am not alone and that others do care and sincerely want to help. I doubt I am the first person to wind up trapped in the self-imposed isolation these fears can create.

 

Vulnerability is an important skill that, like other skills, takes time and practice to learn. Whether you’re struggling with biochemistry concepts, having difficulty managing depression, or possibly grappling with suicidal ideation, remember that you are not alone.  Students in medical education are held to a high standard and are told to behave like future healthcare professionals. Unfortunately, the very individuals we are meant to model face significant stigma and barriers to admitting when they need help, so it’s no surprise that we find it difficult to stray from these behaviors. 

By sharing our experiences here, we hope to help students realize that they are not alone and that being vulnerable is not a weakness, but a way to reduce the stigma and isolation which many of us experience.

 

Sofie Kjellesvig and Sadie Jackson are medical students at MCW-Central Wisconsin. Sofie is an M1 at MCW-CW who is interested in internal medicine. She is from Eau Claire, WI and graduated with a degree in biomedical engineering from the University of Minnesota prior to coming to MCW. Sadie is an M1 at MCW-CW who is interested in family medicine. She is from Stoughton, WI and graduated from Kalamazoo College with a biology major and studio art minor.